Finding Peace in the Midst of Depression

Before I start here, let me add this disclaimer: I really don't feel like I know what I'm doing so please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt.  Also I am being very honest here so please be kind. These are just some things that have worked for me.

I have never been a morning person as I have sleeping issues, but when I wake up I am usually chipper and moving. It was a friend of mine who took me out to dinner before I left Pennsylvania that told me about a promise she made to herself.  She promised that she would get up every morning and take a shower, get dressed and take care of herself.  This amazed me because she has 4 little ones just like I do, yet she finds time for herself everyday.  It wasn't until last year when I lost the baby that Kelly's words came back to me, but this time it was from my dad's mom.  She knew that I was hurting, depressed and in some ways desperate.  She told me very seriously to make sure I change my underwear everyday.  This isn't what Kelly said, but it is the same concept.

Both of these women were telling me to make time for myself.  They aren't talking about me going away on a trip spending hundreds of dollars, but doing something for myself everyday.  This was a hard concept to swallow as it seemed selfish to me.  I wanted to be a SAHM, shouldn't I put my children first?  They should be my highest priority, shouldn't they?  But what are they really telling me to do.  I spent some time in prayer about this as I always do when something is weighing heavily on my heart.

These are the things that God laid on my heart to ponder and what I want to share with you.

1. Christ went away to recover. I am not claiming to be Christ or to even understand what He went through, but with that being said I am smaller and weaker than He is.  This tells me that I need to take time to heal and recover physically and emotionally.  If Christ needed it, then how much more do I as a weaker human need this same thing.  This can be solved in many ways.  It could be curling up to read a book on a rainy day while my children either do the same or play a board game.  It could be taking a walk admiring God's creation.  It could be enjoying my favorite hobbies.  It could be enjoying fellowship with a friend.  Any of these things take me away for a moment from the weight and responsibility of being wife and mom.  I am not running away permanently, but just taking a break a breather.

2.We all empty ourselves out when we give and need to be refilled.  While this is true something that is just as important is what do I fill myself with.  I will admit that I use to fill myself with fluff.  I would read nothing but fiction, watch movies, Facebook games and silly TV shows.  Now I'm not saying these things are bad, but everything needs to come in moderation.  If you noticed no where did I say study God's word!  I was filling myself with things that are shallow, so all I had to give of myself to those around me was shallow.  I have found that when I fill myself with Godly, wholesome and up lifting things, that I what I give to my children and those in my life are Godly and wholesome things.

3. Christ came to serve not to be served. If Jesus who is God came to serve, then who am I to sit around and not serve others.  I can't call myself a Christian and not be Christ-like.  My mother-in-law reminded me that when I am feeling down that the best way to pull myself together is to do something for someone else.  It doesn't matter what it is, but the serving of others lifts the spirit like nothing else can.  I have seen this in my children as well.  Though what happened in Henryville was horrible, my children were happier when they were helping.  I have never seen them smile more than when they were serving others.  My Audrey has made meals for a family who's mother has health issues.  She knows she is blessing them, but the blessings that have poured on her are HUGE!  This has made be begin to look for other ways we can begin to do this on a regular basis.  It is my hope to be posting about that soon.

4. Do not allow me to get in the way of myself. It is very easy for me to be a perfectionist.  It doesn't help that I am a first born, but I am the first born of a first born.  I also married a first born who was the son of a first born and so on.  (I pity my oldest.) I have a tendency to allow my perfection to get in the way of accomplishing anything. I have horrid thoughts run through my head like: Why should I do the laundry there will always be more? Why do the dishes the kids will just dirty up more?  Clean the house? Why is anyone coming over?  These things have set on my mind and heart for years.  I've allowed them to fester and they have hurt not only me but my husband and children.  My perfectionism is not from God, but from Satan.  It is Satan's way of trying to destroy me.  I'm not saying I shouldn't try, but that I should be thankful for the mess and for the ability to do what I can do instead of complaining about what I can't do.

5. Finally you can't have peace without contentment.  I have spent most of my life rushing around from one thing to the next hoping to find peace and happiness.  Not only is that fruitless, but it is exhausting.  Nothing ever seemed to make me happy.  As I child I looked to people to make me happy, never understanding that people fail and that forgiveness is necessary.  As a teen I looked to peers to make me happy, never realizing that they were just as lost and sometimes desperate as I was.  As a wife I looked to my husband to make me happy, never giving him the grace that I expected him to give me.  As a mom I looked to my children to make me happy, but the first time they disobeyed I became angry.  If they loved me they would never disobey.  Can you see my problem here?  I was looking around me for contentment and peace instead of looking up to where all good things come from.

I'm not saying I have this down pat.  I am better at getting a shower everyday, as long as I don't have cluster migraines.  For the past few months I have spent time daily with God.  No this isn't time I set aside in the middle of my day.  This is the first thing I do in the morning after I am dressed for my day.  He is given the first part of my day and the day is so much better.  I am working on giving my family the grace that God is giving me.  It is a daily fight, but one I refuse to let go of the wheel on this.

I still have dreams. I have even started a dream journal.  In it you will find things like wall colors for painting a room, designs for flower beds, books I want to read, and meals I want to cook just to name a few.  I spend time daily reading to my children, not only books for school, but from God's word.  I share with them my love for him.

Am I at peace?  Am I no longer depressed?  I don't know the answer to that.  What I do know is this.  Like the lightening bugs that my children are start to catch as summer comes on, I see glimpses of hope, peace and God in everything around me.  I feel that I am finally starting to grow up, to become the woman that God planned for me to be.  I'm far from perfect, but I am perfectly loved.  I am adored.  I am beautiful to my creator.  It is in those things that I find peace and comfort in my life.

It is my prayer that you will too.