Fear of the Past and Making Peace with the Present

I've found it interesting being back "Home again in Indiana." Things are not what they use to be nor are they where they use to be. I still have to remind myself to exit off at Veteran's Parkway to go to Target and Michaels. (I do try to avoid there though, because the Pie Kitchen is there and it is a HUGE temptation for me.)

I'm on the hunt for a new paediatrics doctor and specialist for William. It is also time to find a dentist, as I hate to visit the dentist this will not be fun, but needed. This is just the beginning of the list of doctors that are needed.

What I'm getting to is this, the last time I was really here in Southern Indiana I was 18. My parents had already done the hard work of finding and approving all of these people. I knew which doctor to go to for what problem, my mom would set up the appointment and then proceed to pay the bill. Now it is my turn and it feels weird. This feeling hit me a couple of weeks ago as I was cooking in my kitchen. I'm an adult living in what I always considered my hometown, even though I actually lived in Henryville. It was what I had always wanted, and I finally have it.

The funniest part is now that I have it I don't know what to do. I know that at any moment I could come across one of my class mates. Though I am excited about the prospect, I'm also nervous. I know we have all changed, it has been 17 years since we graduated from Silver Creek, but will I like the person they have be come and more importantly will they like the new me.

Maybe this accounts for me not really getting out much. The fear that has seeped into me and has settled deep with in my heart. This has me really looking at myself. Who I was and who I have become. I was a scared girl when in high school, always wanting to be liked, which is really nothing different than any other person. The thing that made me different was how unsure I really was of myself. The only thing I knew for certain was that if I worked hard I could make good grades. I flitted around from group to group trying to find my place and still to this day I don't think I did. I'm sure if I asked people would tell me what I could have done differently and what I could have done to fit it, but that is the past. Seventeen years to late for me to do anything about it.

Now I'm left with today and the future. What will I do with what I have? LIVE! I will live and love. Be thankful for the time I have been given.

To all my old high school chums: It is great to be home among you, and I can't wait to meet you again. It will be great to catch up and see who we have all become.